Recharge and Revitalized

So I'm back from vacation. I had a great time and definitely returned with a new attitude and a new perspective. I really needed that time away to forget about my stresses and just get away.
Classes start tomorrow, and I'm disappointed that the class I posted about earlier was cancelled due to low enrollment, because it means I am going to graduate a semester later than I had wanted to. However, it's probably for the best so that I can have some time to enjoy my summer and get stuff done around the house. Certainly a lot of attention is going to need to be paid to my yard- I haven't even planted my garden yet! Or my annuals!

3.81

So the final grades are posted for the semester: A, A, and A-. I feel pretty good about the results, although to be honest the A- bothered me. I freely admit that I dialed in the final paper, which I would imagine is why I got the A-, but there is something about the minus part that screams booby prize to me. Like I wasn't quite good enough. Still... I finished my first year of grad school while working full time with a 3.81 GPA. Not too shabby.

I'm waiting to find out if one of my 2 classes I'm taking this summer will be cancelled due to low enrollment. I really hope it doesn't get cancelled because it would throw off my carefully laid out course plans. This is one of the classes I'm dreading: Information Science Theory (LSC508)
Course Description
Introduction to the organization, retrieval and analysis of information, and the underlying technologies used to control the manipulation and dissemination of information in library and information settings.

Course Objectives

As a result of this course, you will:

describe and discuss basic theories of information science.
describe and discuss the basic components of a computer system.
discuss the effects of technology in handling information in library and information services.
discuss communication theories and models and apply them in library and information services.
discuss basic theories and techniques of information storage and retrieval.
discuss the components of the Internet and use various tools to search for information on it.
discuss the role of standards in information environments.
identify and discuss possible new directions in the use of technology in information-based settings.

It's going to be a long summer!

Clouds are lifting

I feel like something is changing with me. I don't know if it's the meds kicking in (certainly I do feel more energetic) or me finally being able to let go of a lot of the stress that I've been carrying, but I'm not getting worked up over the smallest thing anymore.
Mike says he's looking for indications that this change is sustainable and not fleeting. I suppose I'm looking for the same thing. I'm taking it day by day and rediscovering myself and the things that I enjoyed doing before surrendering to the anxiety and stress. Before I would spend most of the weekend on the couch napping, watching tv, and doing bare minimum by way chores. This weekend I got up early to do some cemetery research alone, went to the used bookstore, and spent 3 hours at Lowes with Mike. That never would have happened before - I would be grumpy and my feet would hurt and I would be bored. So there's progress, at least I see it.

A Moment of Bliss

Those of you who know me really well know that I am not someone who is a very happy person by nature. I'm a first born, Capricorn, born in the year of the Tiger, and my element is apparently wood. You might as well had trumpeters heralding me as a stress case at my birth!

But I am trying very hard to relax and not take things so seriously. As my friend Tara wrote about in her blog yesterday, there's no sense getting worked up over bumps in the road. So I am trying live in the moment more and appreciate the little things. blah blah blah.

I had a moment of bliss last night. I was jazzed because I rocked my exam and so happy that damn paper was finished and I never have to deal with those classmates ever again. I was washing the dishes last night with the window open in the kitchen. A strong breeze blew and filled the room with the sound of windchimes and the smell of lilacs. Such a little thing, but it made me really happy.

"Get thee to a nunnery"

So I am taking an undergrad Renaissance course this semester, with more work in order to make it a grad level course. This course was a huge disappointment to me (professor spent more time name dropping and discussing his experiences at Penn than lecturing, manyclassmates either not present intellectually or pretentious douches, and no discussion of goings on outside of Italy). My final paper (due tomorrow - not started yet) is: I want a paper showing how the themes, events or ideas contained in this book are related to the general course of Renaissance History. I do not want a book report nor a summary of the books 'plot'; instead I want you to find places in the book that tell you something about Renaissance history.

My book is Life And Death In A Venetian Convent: The Chronicle And Necrology Of Corpus Domini, 1395-1436. Which is actually a pretty insightful book on what life was like for women behind cloistered walls. Traditional view is that women were sent to convents because they were too poor to marry well (Jesus apparently required a cheaper dowry - go figure), or too ugly/deformed, were widows, or were escaping traditional life for any reason. Basically anything but a desire to serve God. This necrology paints a different portrait where women were so devoted to God that they strove to be as pure and without sign as possible. Women prized their virginity so much that they ran when a priest or doctor entered the convent. I admit to laughing out loud when she describes an elderly nun who had a problem escaping quick enough - the visual made me giggle. These were girls as young as 7 that were so resolute in their spiritual calling that they flagellated themselves and fasted almost constantly. Almost all of them claimed spiritual visions on a regular basis (probably brought on by the fasting).

What I found the most interesting about the book was the necrology portion where Sister Bartolomea wrote a brief obituary on each of the women who died. They were as long as 2 pages, or as short as a couple of sentences. The highest praised women were "purest virgins" (didn't realize their were purity levels associated with virginity) and submitted themselves to any level of demeaning chores (wonder if there was a hierarchy chart for this: I get x amount of purity points for volunteering to wash soiled linens). She also revered their benefactor almost more than she revered God (certainly the benefactor got more mentions than God did).

It makes me wonder what drove these girls to make the choices they did. Most of the girls joined the convent as a very young teen (13-14) and lived there for decades. Imagine deciding to join a convent just when your hormonal years begin and being so resolute in your decision that you stay there for the rest of yourself in service to God and your sisters? Imagine being the prioress of a convent of 72 women, most of whom were still young girls, and dealing with the hormones of women who live together in a cloistered setting?
Anyhow, the book was interesting. Still not sure how I am going to write 10+ pages on how that reflects on my opinion of the Renaissance. I'll be flagellating myself before the bullshit gods if need be.

Heavy Thoughts, Man...

I've come to the conclusion that I am pretty dissatisfied with my life right now and I really dislike who I have been. I'm tired all of the time. I'm so stressed out that my back is permanently in knots and I just feel as though I am in quicksand. Any movement or attempt to disengage from the trap just serves to sink me further.
Something has to be done before my marriage becomes a casualty. It's all ready on life support, which I was just reminded last night. So time to pull up my britches and actually do something about my unhappiness and perpetual loneliness.

I'm not able to function much today. My mind is spinning trying to figure out how I've gotten here and how to get out. Not helpful considering I have a paper to write. So many things have gotten away from me and I feel as though I am a ghost of my former self. So I've decided to start blogging again. I used to love writing before it because yet another chore. I issue no guarantees that I am going to be able to keep this up, but I recognize the need to vent/express myself in a reasonably safe manner. It's just so hard to open up and let people in though. I'm just not a fan of admitting I need support, but I guess that's the whole point of writing this I suppose. I'm getting of the train at crazytown if I don't do something to alleviate this anxiety.
I swear I'm really not this much of a downer. I don't expect this blog to be all bitch bitch bitch. Just got a lot on my mind now.